


Avengers: American Ornithological Union

by the_genderman



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A giant bird instead, Avengers Tower, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Gen, M/M, No Ultron, Sam Wilson Can Talk to Birds, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_genderman/pseuds/the_genderman
Summary: Hello, crackfic. One time I mentioned "AOU" referring to the American Ornithological Union but it was misinterpreted as "Age of Ultron" which caused some confusion. So, "Avengers: America Ornithological Union" was born from that.The Asimov part was contributed by indymiller (I made a few word changes, but it was their idea).





	Avengers: American Ornithological Union

Sam’s phone began to ring just as he was letting himself back into his apartment. He fumbled with his keys, getting the door open while he fished his phone out of his pocket. He checked the screen: Steve. He smiled and hit the green answer button.

“Hey, Steve,” Sam said, a smile in his voice. “Miss me already?”

“Well, yes,” Steve answered hurriedly, “but there’s actually a more pressing matter at hand. Tony did something kinda stupid and we could really use some help.”

(“Did not!” came Tony’s voice from the background.)

“What counts as stupid this time?” Sam asked, stepping inside and closing his apartment door. No need to regale his neighbors with Tony Stark stories.

“He’s managed to clone a very large, angry bird, or possibly a dinosaur, I’m not entirely sure. But it’s large and angry and we think it wants to eat us.”

(“It’s a _Gastornis gigantis_ , it’s a bird. Although, I suppose, technically all birds are dinosaurs…” “Tony, shut up please.” “No.”)

“You guys can’t deal with a bird?”

“It’s taller than Thor!”

(“Verily, it is. It is a mighty bird.”)

“It’s still a bird. I mean, I know cassowaries and ostriches can fuck you up if you’re not careful, but you’re the Avengers and it’s a bird,” Sam said, walking to the closet where he kept his wingpack. He spun the dial on the safe. 

“Tony also freaked out and managed to shove us all into a closet before we figured out what was going on. But from what I saw, it was about seven or eight feet tall and had a beak the size of Texas. It strolled into the room, looked around, and just charged at Clint. Tony screamed ‘Everyone into the closet!’ and we kind of went on reflex before we figured out what was happening,” Steve explained.

(“I did not scream,” Tony explained. “Yes you did,” came Natasha’s voice.)

“So, let me get this straight,” Sam sighed, hefting his wingpack on and checking the straps. “There’s a very large bird loose in the Tower and you’re all, _all_ of you, trapped in the same closet with no means to calm it down?”

“Yes?” Steve began, but was cut off by a loud knocking noise and the sound of Tony screaming.

“Was that the bird?” Sam asked.

“Yep,” Steve answered. “It sounds like it’s pacing the room and every so often it comes back over here and pecks the door like it’s trying to get in.”

“Alright, I’ll be right over. I’m hanging up now,” Sam said, thumbing ‘end call’ and sticking his phone and keys back into his pockets. He stepped out onto his balcony, fired up the wingpack, and leapt.

\------------------

Sam arrived at the Tower and did a quick flyby to determine where his best landing point would be. As he flew past the northwest section of the 29th floor, he saw through the windows a very large, greyish bird like an emu on steroids making a circuit around the room where the party had been held. Yep, that’s a big bird. He found a nearby balcony, landed, and politely asked J.A.R.V.I.S. to come inside. J.A.R.V.I.S. slid the balcony door open and Sam cautiously entered the building.

Sam stepped slowly into the party room. The _Gastornis_ whipped its head around to look at the newcomer.

“Hey, buddy,” Sam said, trying not to upset the very large bird. 

“Hi,” the _Gastornis_ squawked suspiciously. “Who are you?”

“Sam, is that you?” Steve shouted from inside the closet.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Sam replied.

“You know them?” the _Gastornis_ asked.

“Yeah, they’re my friends,” Sam replied.

“Are you talking to the terror-bird?” Clint asked.

“It’s not a terror-bird, those are _Phorusrhacids_ , this is a _Gastornis_ ,” Sam explained.

“What’s the difference?” Clint replied.

“The one who’s talking,” the _Gastornis_ interrupted. “He has a fruit. I want it. Make him give me the fruit.”

“Alright, I’ll ask him,” Sam said to the _Gastornis_. To Clint, he continued “Terror-birds are carnivores. _Gastornis_ is a vegetarian and she says you have a fruit that she wants?”

“I have a fruit that she wants?” Clint said, confused.

“Wait, is that why it smells like old guacamole in here?” Tony interjected.

“Aw, avocado, no!” Clint bewailed.

“I want my fruit. He has my fruit in there,” the _Gastornis_ griped, pecking the door again.

“Hey. Miss bird,” Sam said to the _Gastornis_. “You gotta let me open the door, then we’ll find your fruit, ok?”

“You’re not just saying that because you want my fruit?” the _Gastornis_ asked distrustfully.

“I promise, I do not want your fruit. I want my friends,” Sam explained gently.

“Well, ok,” the _Gastornis_ said, stepping aside.

Sam opened the closet door. His friends all spilled out in a disorganized mass. Clint tripped over Mjolnir. An avocado rolled lumpily out of his jacket pocket.

“My fruit!” the _Gastornis_ exclaimed, flapping happily. She bent down, picked up the avocado, and swallowed it whole.

“There ya go, got your fruit,” Sam said, patting the _Gastornis_ on the back.

“Fruit!” the _Gastornis_ said, and if a bird could smile, she would have been smiling.

“My hero,” Steve laughed, throwing his arm around Sam’s shoulder and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Ugh, get a room,” Tony said, rolling his eyes.

“So, Tony. Now that we’re past that little problem, may I ask what you were trying to do? Cloning a giant bird?” Steve asked.

“Uhhh, nothing,” Tony said, suddenly reticent.

“I spotted him reading Asimov the other day,” Bruce commented.

“You didn’t,” Tony denied.

“You were trying to make the dino-chicken, weren’t you?” Bruce needled.

“Nu,” Tony said, his voice very small and very guilty.

“I want more fruit,” the _Gastornis_ chimed in.

“What did the bird say?” Clint asked. “She was looking at me.”

“She wants more fruit,” Sam translated.

“I only had the one avocado,” Clint shrugged. 

“Why did you have it here in the first place?” Natasha queried.

“I put it in my pocket because you know how avocados are only ever perfectly ripe for like 5 minutes at a time? I didn’t want to miss the window,” Clint explained.

“So, what, you were just going to pull it out of your pocket and peel it and eat it like an orange?” Natasha joked.

“Uh, yeah?” Clint replied.

“I want more fruit,” the _Gastornis_ insisted, headbutting Clint.

“Easy there,” Sam said to the bird. “We’ll get you more fruit. Steve, come with us down to the kitchen.”

“Sounds good,” Steve grinned. “Well, Tony, it was a good party. Except next time, maybe warn us when you’re gonna be cloning giant hangry birds so we can prepare better?”

Sam, Steve, and the __Gastornis__ turned and walked out of the room.

“Wait, when did Cap learn ‘hangry’?” Tony asked. 

Everyone else just shrugged.


End file.
